Monday, July 09, 2007

July 9, 2007 Part 2

we are working on our first post placement report? We had our home visit last week and it went well..although, when she asked me how I was doing, I got teary eyed and almost started crying. She got it right away and started asking me questions like, what kind of support system do you have, what kind of breaks are you getting, how many dates have you and your husband had since the boys came home, etc.

First of all, it was very bad timing for me because we had just been through months of rainy days and the week before our social worker came over, we had all been sick (including me). So I had had very low energy and had not been out of the house for some period of time, which had not helped the situation. If she had come a week or two later, it is very likely I would have been happy as a clam and said everything was great.

That being said, we have not done too well with this sort of thing and it wears on me at times. I have this thing in my head where I don't want to leave the boys with anyone until they have been home for one year. I don't know where this came from but I feel it pretty strongly, even though they would likely be just fine. I am fine with leaving them with my sister and she watched them one night a couple of months ago while we went to a movie. We have also left them in the church nursery while we attended Bible study and church service, although we are staying with them again now because they were recently promoted to another class and I have this thing in my head that we should stay with them in their new class for four Sundays, while they get to know the new caretakers, kids and new room/environment, before we start leaving them again.

I believe the boys have attached to us very well, although I also worry that they may still be a little insecurely attached. I don't have any justification for feeling this way but attachment is always a concern in the back of my mind.

So far, my husband and I have only gone on one "date" to a movie, since the boys came home on January 23rd. I have gone out on a couple of quick shopping trips with nieces a couple of times, while the boys were napping and my sister was here with them. I have taken a few quick one hour breaks, where I actually left the house, several times on the weekends, when my husband was here listening to the monitor while the boys slept. I have only gone out maybe twice, by myself, while the boys were awake and hanging out with their daddy. One of those times was to a movie last weekend. My husband is really great about giving me a break in the evenings, after dinner and cleanup, for 45 minutes or an hour, most evenings, but I can hear everything going on in the next room and it is hard to relax and let go....but I really do appreciate the break.

To compound the situation, I have not done a good job of making friends since we moved to Oklahoma. I am very close to my sister and mom and we try to see each other every other week (they live an hour and a half away). I have a wonderful friend who lives in our neighborhood and our husbands work together. She is such a wonderful person and we spent quite a bit of time together before the kids came home. Her kids are already grown and she has grandkids now so she is able to be a mentor and give good advice also. But we don't get to spend as much time together now that the boys are home. I also have some other friends whose husbands work with my husband and we all get together, with our children, once a month or so. I have attended these events twice now and I have really enjoyed myself. Once was to the zoo and the other was today, when we all got together for lunch and then visited while the kids played. I really enjoy this time a lot, especially getting to talk to other moms. It makes me realize that I really need to make an effort to make some more mom friends.

Our first set of post placement reports (for each child) is due by the end of July, with all of the multiple, original copies, notaries and apostilles (I'll be making another trip to OKC soon). I am working on gathering the required pictures. It is definitely much easier than the original paperwork we had to do for the adoption though....and totally worth it, of course. After our July report, we will report in January of 2008, 2009 and 2010. Then we will be finished...unless they change the rules in the meantime.


Anonymous said...

Lea, I'm sorry you're going through this. You might want to read "The Post Adoption Blues" (sorry, I can't remember the author). She touches on a lot of issues that really clicked with me, the main ones being how much your life has changed (from having a career to being a Mom) and the isolation that most Moms feel.

I felt the way you do about not leaving the kids with anyone else. My two have been home three years now (time flies!), and the first six months they were always with either me or my husband. The next six months, we added my in-laws and one couple who are neighbors and friends. After that, we added one regular babysitter.

These days, I've changed my definition of "babysitter", I've decided that anyone who is "family" is not babysitting, they are getting to know family members. And I've decided that "family" includes the two families (non-relatives) named in our will as guardians if anything happens to us. So, now have I three more sets of people to leave the kids with now and then, guilt-free, and it really helps.

Sue B

Lauri said...

Just offering my support & Hugs

I wish I was your neighbor so we could hang out together. Remember to take time for yourself.. doing those things that make you feel pretty ( hair & nails)

I too worried about attachment & felt happy but stressed & emotional. It's a huge life change and your pouring so much love & energy into your boys.. it's easy to get drained. We have only left Livi once... its so hard to do.. but goodness knows we need more date nights.
Take care


Lea said...

Thanks Sue and Lauri. I appreciate your encouragement and support. Lauri, when I was writing this, I was remembering you had posted something once about wanting to meet some mom friends and I was wishing we lived near each other:).

I am very thankful for the support and encouragement that the blog community provides and that was one of the reasons I wanted to start blogging again.