Saturday, February 10, 2007

February 10, 2007 Part 2

I have read so many adoption stories, in books and on the Internet and so many parents have such different experiences, as to when they really started feeling that their newly adopted children are "their children" and they really started feeling the love towards them. Actually, I have heard this is also true for bio parents.

Some parents say it is immediate and they felt totally in love with their child as soon as they saw him/her. Some say it took a month or more or less. I always found these stories very interesting and I wondered what it would be like for me. I prayed that God would help me to love them right away, because I knew, from what I had read, that it is harder when you don't feel it right away and, gee whiz, who wouldn't want to feel that love for their child right away.

So, my experience is this. I do love them and I have since we met them but I know it is not the same love I will feel for them a year from now. I can already tell that, as each day goes by, I love them a little bit more and they move just a little deeper into my heart.

For me, I think it is similar to marrying my husband. I know I love him more today than I did the day we got married and I know I will love him more 10 years from now than I do today. Those day-in, day-out experiences together help us to grow closer each day. Our experiences together help us to have more fond memories together, as each year goes by.

Another interesting thing I am going through is kind of trying to find who I am now. That may sound a bit strange and I have not quite put my finger on it yet but I know I feel different about who I am now. Yesterday I went to the grocery store by myself. It is the first time I have been away from our children since we picked them up from the orphanage. I had such mixed feelings about it; it was really odd. I am still trying to sort through it. On the one hand, I felt like I needed a break, as much from being locked up inside of the house as being with the children or even with "people". I had not been alone, truly alone, for almost a month and I am an introvert, so I need to be alone sometimes. On the other hand, I was worried the boys would wonder where I was or cry for me or something and I was anxious to get back to them. It was a strange feeling.

As I said, I am an introvert. When I take the personality tests, I always score on the borderline between introvert and extrovert but I always land on the introvert side of the borderline. I have heard that the best way to tell if you are an introvert or an extrovert is by looking at what you need to recharge. If you need alone time to recharge and re-energize, then you are an introvert. If being around other people gets you recharged and re-energized, then you are an extrovert. I am definitely an introvert and so is my husband.

I had thought that being a stay at home mom might be a little easier for an introvert, since I can sometimes be quite the hermit / homebody. I am not sure if this is true or not but I am not too bothered by being shut up in the house for long periods of time, especially when it is really cold outside. When spring arrives, I will want to be outside much more and hopefully our sons will be at an age that will make it easy enough to be doable for me and also very fun for us all. I want to spend a lot of time outside with them.

So, to sum up, I am kind of trying to figure out who I am these days and how happy I am going to be in my new role as stay-at-home-mom. I think I will end up being very happy in this new role; actually, I am pretty confident about this. But I think it might take me a while before I feel that way completely. Don't get me wrong. I am very happy and thankful to have our boys home at last and I already can't imagine my life without them. I do sometimes miss watching TV and going to the movies a little though, even though I can watch TV while they nap or at night and we can still rent movies. I think this cold, and the sinus infection I had before the cold, have had an impact on my viewpoint though, because it has kept me in a low-energy state, which I really dislike. It is no fun to feel tired all of the time.


kate said...

I've wondered about this. I have babysat for children that I've loved dearly. I'm wondering how long it will take once I'm home to feel like d2b is mine.

Lauri said...

makes perfect sense to me... it took me some time to find my niche in my new role... and when im away from home im both relieved to have a moment for myself and so eager to get back to my girl... its such a complex feeling being someones Mom

You find your own style as you go along.

Anonymous said...

some days from now, B & N will irritate you so MUCH that you will ask yourself this question," why am i getting myself into this situation?". Don't be mad. Just know that they love very much.